Discovering Your Sexual Shadow

An accurate definition of the shadow is everything within us that we’re unaware of; everything that is not in the light of consciousness. 

Our shadow includes our blind spots—the things that we don’t know that we don’t know about ourselves—as well as the things about ourselves that we deliberately conceal from others and occasionally even from ourselves. Our shadow does not refer to what is dark, but rather to what is unconscious, or hidden.

We live in a society and culture where sex is predominantly a private matter. We keep many aspects of our sexuality out of sight of the public eye, whilst simultaneously exhibiting the culturally appropriate aspects of our sexuality to help us attract a mate.

My own sexual shadow had a field day for decades. Having never married or fathered children, I’ve spent more years alone than in romantic relationships. This is not something I would recommend. As the saying goes, “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop”. By keeping my relationship status open all those years, I was allowing all sorts of shadow aspects to run the show and create a lot of mess. 

Whilst I desired a healthy romantic relationship and sex life, these eluded me. Having witnessed my parents’ divorce, I developed a fear of commitment. My father also did his best to convince me that women were not to be trusted, and I fell for it. I became a serial dater, never committing. Someone once commented that my dating style was like a catch-and-release fisherman, I’d hook the ladies in but release them the moment I was stretched. As it turned out, it wasn’t women that couldn’t be trusted, but me.

During long spells of singleness, I’d resort to pornography and masturbation as a means to cater to my sexual needs. This was consistently unsatisfying and left me feeling empty and alone. At times, my longing for connection and physical touch even resulted in me visiting sex workers. I was, in effect, sexualising my deeper needs for intimacy and love, and I knew it.

I developed leaky sexual energy around women, and this would make both them and me feel uncomfortable. An exaggerated example of this occurred when I was living with a female friend. I developed a panty fetish and would compulsively steal her panties off the clothesline. I eventually sought professional help for the behaviour and shone light on the shadow. I confessed to my life coach and to my roommate what I had been up to. This had a redeeming effect and the compulsion disappeared. I was free from that tormenting demon.

My deep commitment to shadow work has allowed me to uncover many hidden traits and qualities lurking in my unconscious. By doing so, I was able to identify what was blocking me from being the man I knew I wanted to be, and having the kind of relationship I’ve always craved, deep down. Many of these traits plagued me for years, causing significant mayhem and dysfunction in my life. Whilst hidden, they exerted power over me and at times, sabotaged my life. But it’s amazing what becomes available by simply shining light in the dark.

With twenty years of illuminating my shadow behind me, today I care little about what others think of me, and more about what I think of me. I no longer resist owning my faults and being honest about my potential for shiftiness, lustfulness and malevolence. In doing so, those traits have lost their grip.  I’ve outgrown the version of me who seeks to present a deceptive persona and leave half of me behind to create chaos in the shadows. Today I can say unequivocally that I love, respect, and trust myself, and so do all the closest people in my life. 

For three years I’ve been in a wonderful and committed relationship with an amazing woman. I’ve shared openly with her about my relationship history and my sexual shadow. With my sexual shadow revealed, owned and taken responsibility for, I can now show up in relationship as the most empowered and authentic version of myself, free from the shackles of unintegrated shadow traits.

As a shadow integration coach, I’ve worked with hundreds of people struggling through dysfunctional relationships. Most have successfully overcome the constraints of their shadow and the self-limiting beliefs that thrive in the dark, to find and attract new love in their life. I’m continually surprised by the many ways in which shadow work can liberate us from a debilitating form of self-deception.